Lost In The Likes.

Montage vlog pic 66

 

I felt a great sense of isolation.

My hands paused over the keyboard, my finger tips touching every key as if the computer was something new for my hands to feel.

My head bursting with ideas I felt incapable of articulating any of my thoughts. Frustration gave me the heads up that more coffee was needed. I felt times constraint as Francis’s nap hour dwindled, each minute was sacred and I wanted to make the most of this new found me time.

Planning Instagram posts I start procrastinating, my attention altered and lost in the pretty pictures I was scrolling through. I take a picture of my coffee cup it had been there quite some time before I thought it would be a good idea to photograph. The deception was already in place when I captioned the picture with ‘enjoying my HOT coffee’ it wasn’t hot at all it was warm.

12 likes that’s it.That is all I needed to make me feel less alone, suddenly I was reaching out to 12 people.. 12 people I don’t know but 12 people who noticed me. This feeling lingered and gave me enough fuel to last the rest of Francis’s nap time.

House work interrupted my writing but I promised myself I would work at it again, until then I would post more pictures on my Instagram to feed my need to feel attached to something.

Afternoon: Staring at the shiny red train which was being rolled over my bare feet a trance that kept me from loosing it, one that I often found myself locked in.

I can’t work out how many minuets go by before I snap out of these long trances but it is most likely when the sound of Francis’s little voice is begging me to play with him.
I comply of course and I happily play toy cars for what feels like hours. When I feel as if there is no chance of guilt creeping up and I have excelled in the play time hour, I give myself a few moments to hug my hands around a hot cup of tea.

Dipping in and out of these bouts of loneliness is something most people don’t now about me, something I hide well when meeting people or even socialising with friends.

But since I have started ‘vlogging’ and capturing my life in the form of ‘best bit’s and merriment I can’t help but feel bad for leaving behind a truth that suffocates me on a daily basis.

The internet has allowed me to connect with so many people in so many ways, and for that I am pleased to have these platforms. But my addiction and need to be liked has left me with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach and one I wish I could shake off.

I still plan on filling the creative gap I had longed for since becoming a mother, but I will remind myself to be cautious not to get trapped in the hype.

With all my efforts and energy going into being a mum, I often forget the importance of socialising and I guess that is something I will have to work on. Relying on strangers to pick me up and make me feel like a somebody is not the way forward.

 

I am sorry this is not my usual post – it is something that is so heavy on my chest at the moment that I felt compelled to share. The irony of this statement goes against everything I am trying not to do!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Lost In The Likes.

  1. I feel the exact same way, it’s definitely not easy being a stay at home mom. I often times miss being the social butterfly I once was. That’s part of the reason I started my own blog. I’m glad to know I’m not alone on feeling like this. Thank you for this wonderful post❤️

    1. Hello 🙂 Firstly thank you so much for reading it is so nice to know I am not alone on this. It sure is hard at times huh – my blog has become a great way to reach out to people and get talking of course!

      Hope all is well and you have had a nice weekend xx

  2. You aren’t alone my lovely. We all have (plenty of!) moments like that. Sometimes I can only concentrate for 5 minutes play at a time before my mind wanders to other things. I also lose my precious nap times to Instagram and can’t help but compare my feed to others. As if anybody cares! I only started it for fun and to capture my own memories.But you’re so right. Being at home with a baby or toddler (or both! I’ve got a 21m and 3m old) can be tough and quite isolating. Got to do what works for you and to keep you sane. For me that’s IG (sad but true) and getting out of the house mornings and afternoons and planning to meet other mum friends I’ve met once or twice a week. Thinking of you my lovely xx

    1. I think you are right about getting out of the house in the mornings this is something I most certainly need to maintain as part of my routine.

      You have your work cut out indeed 😀

      Thank you for stopping by and commenting – it really means a lot xx

  3. Thank you for sharing such a personal post with us all. I am not a mother so cannot empathise on a parenting level, however I have felt incredibly isolated over the past nearly 9 months or so. I have been off work with stress, anxiety, depression & have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Each day is a struggle as I just don’t know how much pain and energy levels will be. I felt like I completely lost myself, I couldn’t leave the house and blogging was the only consistent community I took part it. Waiting for the likes, waiting for the comments. I have found getting into a routine and setting small goals each day has really helped me feeling less of a failure. I love watching your vlogs Hannah. Francis is such a sweetheart and you are an awesome mother. Take care xxxxx

    1. Firstly thank you so much for your comment. I just can’t express how much this means to me, just knowing that someone understands makes writing about it so much more worth while. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through and I can only imagine how tough it must be. With bouts of sadness dipping in and out of my life at the moment I feel anxious I am losing the hold I had on my life before. You are brave for being honest about your experience and although I can’t say much I send you much love and positive energy. Please feel free to email me if you ever get those isolating moments – I am always here to listen. hannahlucy86@gmail.com. Take care and thank you for taking the time to comment xxxxx

      1. Thank you for your kind and touching words Hannah. This week hasn’t been too bad but you never can tell when the fog will take hold again. I love watching your videos and I hope you and your little family have had a good weekend. Thank you xx

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