With longing eyes and pleading lips I asked my partner to take this picture.
‘Take a picture so I can see my bump’
It is not unusual for me to ask him to take shots for blog purposes or Instagram, but this time it was more for me. I wanted to see my pregnancy. I could feel it but I didn’t see it with the value it deserved.
That picture changed everything.
Earlier that morning I had already started my day with negative thoughts. Complaining about lack of sleep, moaning about the new lines that were marking my stretched skin and wishing I didn’t feel so bloated all the time.
My confidence was failing me. My body unrecognizable to me now, I felt a distance from myself that I had never felt before.
Pressing my hand against my tummy I tried to escape from the negativity for a moment of bonding but I was shortly interrupted by the chaotic morning routine that was unfolding in front of me.
I make a promise to touch my bump and connect with my baby later. We can have a moment soon.
Before the morning light passes I look for some clothes to wear which ends up in some more moaning. Nothing fits, nothing works and nothing makes me feel me. I settle for a baggy shirt with coffee stains on the sleeves with a pair of leggings that should have been binned a few washes ago. I don’t feel good, I don’t feel attractive and I don’t understand where this ‘glowy’ pregnancy thing comes from because I certainly don’t feel that right now.
I look back at the picture whilst I have a moment and before I start fiddling with filters and editing the details I notice something that changes everything.
There are three of us in that picture. Francis, me and my baby how amazing is that. My confidence can take a back seat for a while so I can let this thought sink in. So I allow it and start pondering my life with two children.
My body doesn’t feel like mine right now and there are things happening that I can’t control. But the beauty of it all is happening inside me and doesn’t care if my leggings are worn out or my skin is so dry it looks flaky or that my boobs are not exactly at their best.
My beauty is represented in that little bump because underneath is a life that will change our world.
Taking a break from self hatred – how freeing that feels 🙂
(27 weeks pregnant)
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